Well, some time ago I promised that I would elaborate how I got on with HypnoBirthing. Since I've been on the Hypnobabies mailing list, a similar but somehow different hypnosis for birth scheme, I know that one word is taboo, and that's pain. So to warn all future hypnobirthing mums, I will use the word pain and not bleep it out.

Which kind of gives it away. There is no way I could describe contractions (sorry, surges or pressure waves) or labour (sorry, birthing) as painfree. But I also don't think I really learned how to hypnotise myself. I do believe that you can learn how to alter your perception to feel less pain, I really do. I also subscribe to the idea that many women, including myself, are afraid of childbirth and that this fear actually triggers a mechanism which makes it painful. However, there are also some reasons why it didn't quite work for me.

First of all, the techniques needed for hypnobirthing failed me on the day. I could not do the main breathing technique for contractions, which is a slow breathing in and out. Even when practising it before labour, it didn't work for me, my lungs were simply to compressed by the baby inside of me. Instead of the count to 20, I managed initially 16, later only 12. I tried so hard, but only felt like I was getting breathless. So not so slow but deep regular breathing it was for me during contractions, and it did work ok for the first stage of labour.

During labour, I listened to the hypnobirthing CDs for some time, but I was unable to concentrate on them. I was better at listening to my favourite music, and sing along. This helped keep a good breathing pattern, but didn't hypnotise me. I also didn't ask my hubby to read any of the scripts, I simply didn't feel like it at the time.

So, in the end, what did work for me was that the birth affirmation practice and the rainbow relaxation fully dissipated my previous fear of labour. I went into labour excited and positive, I never got impatient, and in spite of a long labour, I was elated at each point where my progress was announced. I took much longer than the average one centimetre dilation per hour, but to me, I thought I was making great progress. I also coped really well with the first stage of labour, up to 9 cm dilation. Now, this positive attitude is an amazing success because I used to be so scared of childbirth that for years I didn't want to have children. For this, paying for the course was worth every penny. It also worked for me in helping to be very informed about birth choices and how I would like to give birth, making me confident to work with midwives and obstetricians rather than blindly follow their procedures.

What didn't work for me was the actual hypnosis. From the course to labour, I don't think I ever succeeded in suggestion, hypnosis or deep relaxation. It was more a case of falling asleep and succumbing to the pregnancy induced tiredness at the end of the day. Labour was painful, to a certain extent though it was possible to cope with this. The point where I lost it was when my waters broke - I was 9 cm dilated and in the pool for the second time, and the pop was followed by a massive, long, and all encompassingly painful contraction. After this, I was unable to move, it was as if my legs had been hit by a hammer. It wasn't the uterus contracting that did this, it was more a feeling of my bones being smashed. I was full of cramps, nerve pain and bone pain, couldn't maintain an upright position any more, and suddenly depended in everything on the midwife. I lost control, and then the fear - which had been absent so far - set in. The fear of crushing my baby's head, mostly, but also the fear of more pain. I succumbed to asking for morphine, at a late stage. This slowed things down and I liked that. Still unable to move, however, progress slowed as well, and in the end, after the recommended maximum time of three hours since full dilation, the failure to progress verdict was spoken and I was asked to consent to caesarian section/forceps procedure, depending on the outcome of an examination.

I cried with anger and disappointment, and finally started pushing. And avoided the c-section because I managed to push cubling down far enough for a forceps delivery in the 10 minutes between signing the consent form and being wheeled onto the operating table. So this is something else that didn't work: Labour failed to progress because I didn't push, following the hypnobirthing advice to bear down instead of actively pushing. Had I pushed, I may have had a non-invasive birth. In the end, at least I avoided the c-section and cubling was delivered by forceps, blissfully pain free thanks to spinal block.

Maybe, with an epidural, I would have been able to push better, without the fear of more frequent contractions. Maybe I shouldn't have outruled it. At the time, all that mattered in the end was that cubling was delivered safe and sound. Only later did the disappointment set in that I didn't manage to deliver my baby unaided. It's a very deep disappointment, it touches the core of me, as if I failed in an essential part of what I am. While the actual instrumental delivery was easier than I feared, and my fear of the operating theatre has vanished, the failure to deliver on my own still nags deeply at me. It is a wound that I'm licking and any careless comment can rip it open again.

Still, I remember saying two things: "So far, it hasn't been too bad at all" (at 9cm dilation, very close to end of first stage of labour) and "If I had to do the whole labour and forceps delivery again today to keep her, I'd do it" (the day after cubling was born). The joy and amazement of holding cubling in our arms is so much greater than anything labour has in store. I'd do it all over again any time.