Now that the gods (aka directors) decided that my area of work will be shut down by the end of this year, the time has come for some navel gazing. On the one hand, it's a great organisation to work for, and conditions of employment are really the best I've ever had. Can this be enough? Because, on the other hand, they are cutting the work I feel passionate about and I feel very critical about this decision. Some questions I've been asking myself are these: Do I want to work for an organisation who abandons their work with two groups of children whose rights are most abused in the UK? Do I want to fit in with the new focus of work, and no longer work with asylum seeking/refugee children? Is there any realistic chance that I will actually be able to continue working there even if the answer to both questions is yes? Shall I stick it out, take redundancy pay and potentially "gardening leave" hoping to maybe still find a niche within the organisation while enjoying the good life in the next few months? Or is it wiser to apply for other jobs right now? Will I accept a potential pay cut when applying for other jobs (I'm not exactly overpaid as it is)?

My feelings range between anger, acceptance and disappointment. I'm living through days where I run fabulous sessions with young people that are exciting, motivating and full of promises that won't be realised because the powers in charge decided that we're not important enough and next I'm confronted with the harsh reality of winding down a programme of work which is in top gear.

Arguments go in circles. What is value? To impact on the largest number of children or to impact on the severest child rights abuses? Is it numbers we're after, nothing but numbers? Was the decision made bearing a future Tory government in mind which will make raising funds for asylum/refugee work even harder than it already is? Am I working for an organisation who only take the easy path? May they unwittingly be consolidating their status as a charity which appeals to the white upper middle class of advanced age who on the whole prefer to care  about children of darker skin colour only when they live outside of the UK?

Among the certainty of the redundancy of my work and our team, the management is talking of withdrawing with dignity and embracing the new direction with the usual determination to make the impossible happen. I'm sorry. I'm not ready to sign up for it just yet. And I don't know if I will be at some point - I need more time for the moment. As far as job applications are concerned, it's a tricky business. When is the best time to ask for flexible working hours, special leave entitlements and childcare voucher schemes?

Looking at vacancies it is disconcerting to find out how many ask for an ability and willingness to work irregular hours, weekends and nights away. In my previous life I wouldn't have thought twice about it. Now with child, such conditions effectively disqualify me - and I wonder if employers realise that they are excluding women with small children who may actually be excellent candidates for such jobs. It smells like indirect discrimination to me, similar to the unwanted side effect of the upcoming redundancies: They will to a high percentage affect the few minority ethnic staff that currently work for the organisation, making it even whiter than it already is.